Back In The Game

“I’m back.“

While some people found a great opportunity to focus on their modelling during the COVID lockdown, I found myself in the exact opposite headspace.

It’s difficult to articulate in writing; however, with so many big life changes, world changes, etc. occurring in such a short time frame, my brain was knocked into such a position in which the things that I usually love to do and enjoy no longer brought me any joy or interest.

In summary: depression happened.

As I am no stranger to depression (something I’ve battled my entire adult life), I was able to recognize that I was not myself and knew that it was something I would have to ride out until I worked through it.

Yesterday while I found myself collecting a bucket of ballast [which will likely make its own post someday soon] on the abandoned Borden Sub in the rain, I realized that what I was doing was being done out of genuine interest. “I’m back,” I said to myself, out loud.

The brighter days are indeed on the immediate horizon, and I am starting to find interest in the things I enjoy again: one of which is my interest in railroading and modelling.

I’m not writing this for sympathy; I just don’t think it’s something we as modellers talk about enough. It’s important, and we all deal with it at some point.

Let’s face it, we’re all artists here: artists historically feel their emotions vividly, and we all do things to escape our realities, aka modelling.

But sometimes, even those reality escaping mechanisms don’t work.

I am writing this to say that if you didn’t do any modelling at all during this pandemic and maybe are still finding it hard to concentrate or be interested, don’t beat yourself up. 

It’ll come back. I did. Talk to me if you want.


5 thoughts on “Back In The Game

  1. I’ve had a similar roller coaster of mental health over the past 10 years or so and found some dark moments in Lockdown… however, I found I could divert attention sideways into reading about old railways instead of modelling or researching my usual favourites. One of these sideways diversions has me reinvigorating an interest in Canadian railways, hence how I stumbled on your blog.

    It’s good to read you’re on the mend, so to speak, not that it’s really mended just more balanced again.. and good to read full stop, keep talking.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So glad to see you back – not just because I enjoy your modelling but because it means you’re on the mend.

    The Covid-19 lockdown and social and economic sideswipe that it has inflicted on so many has been rough on almost everyone – including people who would not consider themselves to be dealing with depression. For those who have never experienced it and perhaps dismiss it, I hope the lockdown has changed their perception of depression – made them more sympathetic to those who grapple with it.

    The unfortunate reality is that we’re likely heading for another lockdown as Covid-19 hits us with a second wave. Modellers who build up some momentum with their layouts and modelling projects before it does might find it helps them ride that second wave.

    And if YOU need to talk, you have my email…

    – Trevor (Port Rowan in 1:64)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Calvin, Thank you for sharing. The past six months have been a rollercoaster of emotions for us all. While I have mostly weathered this storm myself, there have most definitely been times where depression in some form has set in. I don’t think anyone was truly prepared for the extent of what Covid lockdowns and such were going to do, and its going to take a long time for us all to get “back” to some semblance of normal, whatever that looks like.

    Regardless, from what little I know, talking about it when you don’t feel well is important, and I’m glad you are comfortable enough to talk about how you have felt. I hope you continue to feel better and find enjoyment in our hobby, and keep talking.


    Liked by 1 person

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